Here's another one to add to the list of things I wish I hadn't found out about my fellow human beings.
First, some background: If you ever feel like wading through a forum of questions and answers, you should check out BYU's 100 Hour Board. When I was a student at the BYU, it was a physical paper-on-bulletin-board entity in the student center that was mostly used for normal, student body-centered questions. All these years later, however, it has evolved into an "ask (almost) anything" forum with regular writers and it has its own web page. The paper version doesn't even exist anymore.
The other day, someone asked a fairly simple question about why some people don't wash their hands after using the bathroom, and also (completely unrelated, I'm sure) how often the buttons on drinking fountains are sanitized. They got their answer within 100 hours and life went on.
Until yesterday, when someone wrote in a comment to that question that almost made my head explode, it was so ridiculous. Not even while reading the Daily Universe letters to the editor have I ever wished someone was joking as much as I did when I read this. Behold the inanity:
"Dear 100 Hour Board,
In response to question Board Question #44397, I would like to stick up for people who don't wash their hands every time they go to the bathroom. I doubt many people would be willing to ever volunteer this information on a non-anonymous board, so consider this info precious.
The answer is LOTION.
After I get out of the shower I put nice smelling lotion onto my hands, so they aren't dry and cracked during the day. If I wash my hands well after going to the bathroom, the lotion comes off and I don't want to reapply expensive Victoria's Secret lotion 15 times a day, and I don't always carry it with me anyway. So, maybe this grosses you out, I don't care. The truth is that for a guy, (yes, I am a guy who uses Vanilla Lace VS lotion), you can go to the bathroom without touching any private parts, (it takes a little practice). So other than the doorknob you are fine, given automatically flushing toilets or by using your foot to flush depending on the height. The doorknob does present a problem, but you would have to touch that on your way out after you have already washed anyway, so what difference does that make? It is disgusting to me to shake hands/hold hands with a girl who has dry, scaley, man-hands like she is a lumberjack or something.
A few points, which were also made by the 100 Board writers in response to this comment:
First, of all the reasons he could have given, I will confess that "LOTION" was the absolute last one I expected.
Second, I'm so glad I don't live in Provo and have to maintain constant vigilance for the man with the sweet-smelling hands, lest I inadvertently shake his hand.
Third, guess what, girly-hands: It is disgusting to me to shake hands with people who haven't washed after going to the bathroom.
Now maybe I can go on with my life pretending people like him don't exist. Or that he was joking. There's a chance...right?