Wednesday, September 24, 2008

And baby makes four

It's been seven weeks since Magdalena was born so I think I can control myself enough to write this post without getting all weepy. I wanted to write it when she was brand-new, since the emotions were so fresh, but then I realized that they were too fresh and I would never be able to get through it.

Before Magdalena was born, our family was a little club. It was Jeremy, Miriam, and me. Just us three. We were buds. We had our routines, our jokes, our favorite things to do. We were an exclusive, three-person club.

It wasn't always like that. Jeremy and I were married for almost four years before Miriam was born and guess what those four years were like? Yep. A club. It was Jeremy and me. Just us two. We were buds. You get the idea.

And then along came little Miriam Damascus, two weeks early, catching us totally by surprise. Surprise in the sense that she was early, yes, but also surprise in the sense that she TOTALLY ROCKED OUR WORLD. It took quite a while to get used to her, and used to there being three of us.

For a long time, I mourned the loss of Jeremy's and my relationship as it had been. I knew it could be just as good, but it would always be different now, always. I grieved for our exclusive, two-person club, but eventually moved on and came to appreciate the three of us.

When Magdalena was born, I found myself mourning the loss of a relationship yet again. This time, it was the special relationship I had with Miriam. To sum up my feelings at the worst moments: What have I done?? I felt so sad, so sorry for her, and so unsure about the place Magdalena could have in our family. Could she ever truly belong to our club?

Enough time has passed now that I think I can answer my own question: What have I done? I've given Miriam a chance to have a sister to teach, care for, and play, fight, and grow up with. I've given Magdalena the same. For Jeremy and me, there has been the joy of re-discovering all of Miriam's amazing skills and independence that we took for granted before. They're hard to miss now that we can compare them with Magdalena's almost complete helplessness.

I think I can safely say that we are a club again. It's Jeremy, Miriam, Magdalena, and me. Just the four of us.


Liz Johnson said...

Oh man. I had all those same feelings... and actually, they were mostly BEFORE Nathan was born. I just sobbed the night before I was induced because I felt so guilty about rocking Connor's world so abruptly and changing the dynamics we had forEVER. And it takes a little bit, but I'm with you - we're a club of four now. It's amazing to me that it can happen that quickly, too... I mean Magdalena's not even two months, right? That's pretty amazing that such a huge transition can be made so relatively quickly.

Aimee said...

Most of my friends who have baby # 2 talk about the difficult transition, so I think you have handled it well. I can only imagine how hard it will be to split my time.

Nancy Heiss said...

What a wonderful way to sum up your feelings :) I think it's amazing how these kids come into the world and totally take our lives by storm. I found it amazing how much I loved Rachel from the minute I knew I was pregnant. I didn't know that was even possible.

Anyway, good luck with your clubbing :)

Britney said...

Beautiful story.

I could really relate to the "what HAVE I done?/what have I DONE?" progression.

Jeanerbee said...

I'm so glad you shared your feelings on this! It's something I think about OFTEN and already feel the guilty taking attention away from Eli, while feeling guilty at the same time that this baby can never have quite the spotlight of the first.... it's good to know that it can turn out beautifully anyway!

Mikael said...

if I even think about my little best friend, Makenzie, and all the time we had before the twins were born I think I would break down and cry. i don't even go there.
instead, I look forward and see that i am in the middle of 3 adorable and precious children and I am so lucky! I just always make sure I get a mommy-daughter day with her about once a month, that makes it all better :)

Kristen said...

I've been thinking about this post for a few days. I found your account very touching and the topic came at a perfect time for me, because we're in that..."so, when should we have another baby?" kind of mode. One big concern I have is the inevitable disruption of our threesome. And what I feel I would be taking away from Madelyn. Mikael's comments above cast a horribly poignant shadow on the topic. Thank you for sharing your emotional journey, I love it when you open up with personal introspectives from which we can all glean perspective.


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