Tuesday, December 15, 2009

"No one ever told me..." (special poo edition)

This morning, after two-and-a-half days of being an unsuccessful poo-poo cheerleader for little constipated Magdalena, I found myself faced with the ghastly task of removing chunks of poo from inside of her bum with my fingers. I used a baby wipe, but still. I am sorry to inflict the above sentences upon my readership, but there's just no delicate way to put it. It was gross.

Now, I'm not a big fan of using "no one ever told me I'd have to [unpleasant task]" as an excuse for begging off of being a good mom. But sometimes, there really ARE things that no one ever told me I'd have to do. If I'd known ahead of time about digging poo out of a toddler's bum, would it have been a deal-breaker? Hard to say. Here are a few others.

No one ever told me that, in order to preserve the sanctity of my 4-year-old's potty experiences at automatic-flush public toilets, I'd have to stand there with my hand over the flush sensor so it doesn't inadvertently flush while she's still on the potty and frighten her out of her wits.

No one ever told me that sometimes, while taking a shower with my kids, there is a definite possibility of stepping on a turd.

No one ever told me that not only would I often have an audience while taking care of my own bathroom business, but that I would sometimes have to narrate said business, especially for a just-potty-trained 2-year-old. And sometimes all this would take place in a public restroom. Yeah, that's pretty much when you just stay in your stall until everyone else has left the bathroom so you have a chance of escaping public humiliation.

No one ever told me that I'd be asked the question, "Mom, can you come look at my poo-poos and tell me if it's diarrhea?"

What did I miss? I would have said that no one ever told me I'd have to clean poo off my walls, but I haven't had to do that yet. Also, people DID tell me about that one.


  1. HAHAHAHAHA! Oh man. That is sad and gross. I thought my life was disgusting at times but yours is much worse. You are a hero. Also, you have just convinced me to never touch my child again.

  2. Ahh. Poop. Nothing like a good conversation starter.

    If Magdalena needs help pooping, buy Pedialax tablets (they taste like candy) and they work like a charm. Trust me, you won't have to dig poop out again. Lois has had pooping issues since the day she was born.

    No one ever told me that I'd have a child wanting to sit on my lap WHILE doing my business. Definitely awkward.

  3. Yeah, we've had poo problems as well although I've never had to perform a digital disimpaction (as it's called in medicalese). I had one patient in the hospital who needed it (people get really constipated when they take a lot of opiates) but I was pregnant and barfy and didn't think I could do it without throwing up on the patient, so another nurse did it. That was nice of her. I should have brought her flowers or chocolate or something.

    And once, I don't remember the exact circumstances, I breastfed Nora while going to the bathroom... I think she was eating when all of a sudden I had to go and I didn't want to stop and have her cry and wake up Lillian... or something. But THAT was something I never expected having to do.

  4. You are my hero. Wow. Putting your finger in her bum? I think I'd go in there with a nose-sucker-thing before I'd stick my finger in. PROPS, man.

    Nobody ever told me that I'd sometimes sympathize with the people on trial for child abuse. I mean, I understand how they get to that point. I don't get how they cross it, but I definitely see how a normally sane person can get there. Geez.

  5. Had same poop issues with Madeline. Finally over them, but fun times let me tell you. Then again you already know.:) And can relate to holding your hand over the automatic flusher in pubic restrooms too. By the way, your post about flying has freaked me out a little. I am flying with the kids and Dave on Thursday and am a little nervous. First time flying since twins were 8 months old! I hope your return flight is MUCH better for you!:)

  6. I had to do the same thing with Lily. I am glad to know that other people have had to dig poo out of their toddlers bum. I loved the post.

  7. Hahaha! I was giggling to myself so much as I read this that my husband requested that I read it aloud to him multiple times throughout the post. I am sorry for your poo-inflicted life, but glad that it is so funny to read about.

  8. Yes, this made me laugh out loud! From someone who hasn't gotten there yet, thanks for giving me the heads-up. Now I will not have the excuse that "no one ever told me..."

  9. This is called an "extraction" and I would recommend that next time you use examination gloves to reduce the gross out factor. I've experienced most on your list. I also have a little independant girl who likes to do things on her own (including messy poo clean up), so once I found a hot steaming turd in the laundry, but not until after it had gone through the dryer and contaminated everything. Of course I had to smell it to determine what it was. I can't seem to erase the stench from my memory.

  10. Just beautiful. I happen to think any time the word "turd" can be used in a sentence it will be a good one. I hope Majd is feeling better now.

  11. How does poo even get on the walls? I've always wondered that.

  12. I am soo glad to know that I am not the only one with these poo-poo problems. Actually Jade doesn't have this problem anymore, but at one point it got so bad that the only way she could go was in the bathtub....yes..I never thought I would admit that, but I felt so bad for her that was the only way she could feel comfortable because of the warm water. So gross as it may sound, you might want to try that, it worked wonders, and when the constipation gets bad enough you're willing to try just about anything!

  13. As far as motherhood is concerned, poo definitely tops those lists of stuff I never thought I would do. Jameson always had the worst blowout diapers. EVERY TIME he pooped it was explosive and a ton. During cleanup it would get everywhere, I never thought it would get under my fingernails! Ewww, gross! There was never any breastfeeding little poop smears for him. Not my kid. So far we haven't had any awful poop stories though.

    He did projectile vomit on me last February when we all got the flu-bug. In my hair, down my shirt, on my face. That was a "do-I-really-know-what-I-signed-up-for? moment."

  14. Steven, think "finger-painting" with poo as the medium and the wall as a wide-open canvas!

  15. SOOO FREAKING HILARIOUS! I tell moms all the time "no one told me it would be THIS HARD!" It is so true. being a mom is the toughest job in the world, the grossest, the most emotional. You said it right. While our husbands are typing emails, making calls, closing deals, we are picking chunks of poop outa a kids rear crack- so fun!

  16. Hey, I did the constipation assistance thing too--except, I used Q-tips instead of my fingers. I guess I should have told you that trick.

  17. Ohhh I hated those contipation days!!!!


    In Lebanon they are all French-supporting-medicines and LOVE Suppositories which aren't really on the American Love List.

    So I had to stick these neat little suppositories up her bum to "relax" to poo to come out. The problem was they don't make them in kid sizes only ADULTS SIZES (WTheck moment) so you have to guestimate the size needed for a baby and cut it and then do it. I just couldn't though stick something up my baby's bum.... so I had my Lebanese Siter-in-law with three kids do the first one... Once I saw it was easy and painless and not so creepy I could handle the next ones...
    but still everytime I see that bottle of glycerin sticks in the back of the medicine drawer is scream EWWWW in my head.

    Eww not only explosive diapers but pants full and beds full. TIP to parents, I'm telling you NOW so listen up.
    Watch those diaper sizes!
    Too small, poop leaks out by being squished everytime darling sits or wiggles...
    Too Big it all just falls right off.
    The hardest part is the betweensizes. pack says 5-10kilos next pak says 10-20kilos...Hmmm you are at 10.5 for fourmonths.... i think biggeris better.....

    Have fun!


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